.... And Suddenly I Missed Him Dearly.....

ALFATIHAH BUAT ABAH.....

My beloved Abah passed away in December 1997, a few days after my 27th birthday and 2 days after his birthday or rather 2 days after he reached his officially retirement age.

I couldn't remember how I actually felt on the evening of receiving the news of his death. I remember being numb and I remember my younger sister's continuous sobs and I remember my eldest sister's confusion and I remember my elder sister's silence and I remember my little (only) brother's blank face and I remember my Mak's resentment towards all words of sympathies.......

It was only 3 days earlier Abah insisted on me coming back home after arriving from my 2 week' outstation for LIMA '97. He insisted to pick me up from the apartment I shared with my younger sister. Mak has just come back from her Umrah a few days earlier and my only brother in law (then), has just finished moving their stuff to their new house in Salak Tinggi after living at my parents for 3 years and his wife (elder sister) was warded at the Klang GH to give birth to their fourth child.

I went back home with Abah arriving around Isya' and later we went to visit my elder sister. We spent the night playing scrabble (Abah, my younger brother and me) and Mak was looking on. Abah ate the dates Mak brought back from Makkah, from its plastic bag and he was very cheerful indeed, poking at Mak's nose, squeezing my cheeks, messing my brother's hair and giggling each time my brother or I made up some weird words. We slept at around 4.00 am, missing the phone call from the hospital to inform us of the birth of my second niece, Abah's fourth grandchild.

I left home the next day and went to the office as usual. At around 5.00 pm of the fateful day, my Head of Dept. called me to his office to discuss my career prospect in the company. He asked if I would be interested to be the Legal Manager at one of the subsidiary, which office was in Damansara. I said no but he told me to discuss with my father. I went out of his office at 6pm and 30 minutes later I received a phone call from my all crying younger sister, "Abah..... Abah..... Abah dah tak de......".

I couldn't comprehend what she was saying. She put her boyfriend (now husband) on the line and I asked him what happened. He was also not much of help. My sister took back the phone and spoke more clearly this time. My system just rejected the news (in fact I could never remember what she said until now), instead I asked if he was still at the clinic, if we should go there, if he was on some kind of machines. And finally I remember accepting my sister's offer to pick me up and then went to my eldest sister's workplace so that we would go back together.

I cleared my desk, tidied up my stuff and just informed one of the clerks that I was going off. He was asking me some questions but I didn't answer. It was already Maghrib when my sister and her boyfriend arrived, we drove to my eldest sister's place. My younger sister was all tears and she scolded her boyfriend who asked her to be patient.

When we arrived at the gate, we saw my eldest sister's car drove out towards the main road. I guessed somebody must have broken the news to her. We tried to call her mobile but it was switched off. At the next traffic light, I got out of the car and ran to my eldest sister's Tiara and knocked on the passenger's side window. She unlocked the door and as I entered the car, she was all screams, "Ledd.... Abah... Ledd... Abah kita dah takde.... macam mana dia dah tak de...... Abah takde Ledd!!!". I looked at her and hugged her, still numb.

As the light turned green, we drove off and as she regained composure she told me that Mak told us to come home because Abah's friends would arrange the transportation of Abah's body, home. When I heard that words, it finally sank.... my Abah has left us and his body will be sent home. His body...... his remains..... and only a few hours ago, he was not a "body" or "remains"...... he was Abah, funny and cheerful and oh how handsome Abah was, hardly looking any older than 40. Abah had this youthful look and he has always been very healthy and sporty. Until that point I was having this hope inside me that Abah was in a coma and he will get up soon.

On the way home, I called one of my best friends at the office to inform him of the news. He was at first teasing me for calling him at night but when I told him of the news, his voice sounded so sad and a hint of guilt was there too. He said he was so sorry and would inform the rest of the gang.

When we arrived home, Mak has already cleared the living room and has prepared the place for Abah. All the lights were switched on and Mak was on the phone. She was very stern and ordered us to take our wudhu'. She was remorse.

I searched for my elder sister who just gave birth and we exchanged salaams and we hugged each other. I asked if she was okay and she told us, she didn't know what was going on and didn't know what to do and Mak told her not to cry.

My brother had just arrived from Kedah and he was searching for his baju Melayu and I broke down to tears when Mak said, "Tu, pakai baju yang Abah basuh pagi tadi" (There, wear that shirt that your Dad washed this morning). I went to get the cloth basket and picked up my own baju kurung which was in the pile that Abah washed. I held on to that piece and hugged it (and I still have that baju kurung, not once worn after that day).

I took my shower and prayed and started to recite the Yaasin. Abah arrived at around 9.30 pm and I saw all his close friends from work. Relatives (read: uncles, aunties, cousins, cousin-in-laws, uncle by marriage, aunty by marriage) and friends have already arrived a short while after we did. Abah has no known illness and he has a very clean bill of health. He has a steady blood pressure, no hint of diabetes, excellent heart.

From my elder sister I learnt that Abah left the house at around 11.00am that Thursday, after doing the laundry (Abah loves to do the laundry), to go to his office to collect his stuff and to bid farewell to all his workmates and old friends.

He has served the organisation since 1970 (the year I was born). 27 years to be exact. He was watching a soccer game played by his old team when during interval, it suddenly rained. Everyone left the field but Abah fell down from his chair. His mates thought he was pulling their legs but after a few minutes, they didn't think it was a joke. They came for him and found him unconscious. They quickly drove him to the nearest clinic and Abah was pronounced dead at 6.15pm, of myocardial infarction (read: heart attack).

More relatives arrived that night and uncles and aunties from Abah's side arrived in the morning. Abah's office mates came in buses and cars. My sisters' and brother's and Mak's friends filled the house to the bream. I slept only an hour and in the morning I was busying myself with the pandan leaves for filling Abah's pillow and for his funeral bath. I knew my eyes were puffy and I just couldn't stop crying. Tears just ran down my cheeks each time my mind flashed memories of me and Abah. The night we played scrabble, the day when Abah drove me for interview session at the company I'm still working with, the note Abah wrote me in my going away card to UK, the letters Abah sent me monthly when I was staying with grandma, the long rides to Damansara when he sent me back to college every Sunday night after NAM Tour of Duty........

My younger sister asked me if I wanted to see Abah and I came with her. She pulled down the cover and we just stared at Abah's calm face, the face we always knew..... the face I've never had any ounce of hatred, any ounce of anger, any ounce of disappointment. Abah may not be the exemplary father but I wouldn't want to have any other man replacing him. Abah has never once made me sad, angry, hurt or down. I may not be raised by Abah (and Mak, as I was put under my late grandmother's and aunty's care) but I have never resented him for that.

When my fifth aunt arrived, it was then Mak poured her heart out and she was all cries. My aunt calmed her quite well. We were relieved that Mak has finally let it all out.

After the funeral bath, Abah was wrapped in the funeral cloth and sprinkled with Attar oil. I was the first to kiss his cheeks (and I wanted to get it over and done with quickly) and only when my lips touched his cold cheeks did I realise that that would be the last I saw of him. I prayed in my heart and I whispered, "I let you go Abah, thank you for everything and I forgive you for anything you have fulfilled any of my rights as your child." It dawned on me then, that I'll be an orphan and Abah will not be giving me away at my wedding and I wouldn't have Abah to turn to if ever I'm in trouble. I felt so alone....

After the prayers, they brought Abah's body in a coffin to the mosque. My office mates were among those who carried the coffin into the hearst. My Head of Dept. asked to see me and he later told me to take as many days off as I need. Almost all my Department mates came. As it was Friday, all the men got ready to go to the mosque and my younger sister and I drove to the mosque to stay by Abah's side while the men went home before the Friday prayer. After the Friday prayer, they performed prayer for Abah and then he was brought to nearby cemetry, for his last resting place.

We watched the rituals and stayed on until after the Talqin was read. I was one of the last to leave the grave and I saw Mak looking longingly at the grave, utterring, "Selamat tinggal buah hatiku. Semoga Allah cucurkan rahmat atas mu" (Goodbye my love. May Allah bless you). I knew then her heart was broken, her life has ended, her spirit has left her. Abah started to court Mak when they were both 14, they got married when they were 21 and they remained married until 34 years later... I know they have their ups and downs but I know for a fact that Abah loves Mak and his children more than anything else in the world. Abah has never been known to cheat on Mak (unlike Mak who was always going out with potential suitors before their marriage of course!), not even any rumours for that matter. Abah had always a lot of admirers but it was Mak that he chose.... and despite all difficulties, he strived to provide for us.

And even after his death, Abah continued to surprise us..... for the next one year, we kept receiving cheques, under our individual names, from Abah's ex employer..... OT monies, gratuities, coop monies, shares, funds.........

Abah, may you rest in peace and I will always treasure our memories and your legacy will continue and your grandchildren will be "educated' of you. And yes, many said I am a spitting image (female version) of Abah.

Al-Fatihah......

(insert: picture of Abah in Nov 1997, less than 40 days before his death. I remember we took the long (kampung route from Muar back to Klang, after visiting my late uncle who was involved in an accident)